I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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