I'm so fucking centered right now
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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