Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
