Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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