Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
