ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
When did angry sex become our thing?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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