dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
