dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
