Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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