This is not my ceiling
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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