i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
