Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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