Will you blow on my dice?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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