dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
