WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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