you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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