She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize
