i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
