I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize