My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
So many bounce houses so little time
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
third nipple confirmed
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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