She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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