this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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