please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
it's like heaven, but drunker
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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