Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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