the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
