apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
