white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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