Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
