Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
