The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
