Where did you get a picture of my penis
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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