I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
