Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
