Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
