I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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