There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
