Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize