Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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