she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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