from now on my penis is your penis
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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