i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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