a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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