I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
