i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
