The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
