either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
