she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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