I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
