Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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