Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
