Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
