I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
