i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
