Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She needs sedatives and a leash
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
