you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
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