after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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