I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
