I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
