Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
