Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't deserve a penis
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
