Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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