I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
