im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
