I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
