porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
