a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
