I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
