Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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